


I can't live without you / I'm never leaving you

by kndrmbs



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Communication, Declarations Of Love, Episode: s03e22 All Good Things..., Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Mild Smut, immortality/mortality, pre-wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-05 21:30:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18837166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kndrmbs/pseuds/kndrmbs
Summary: After coming back from Edom, Magnus and Alec talk about the recent incidents and once again declare their love.





	I can't live without you / I'm never leaving you

Normalcy felt strange after all they’d been through; being back into the familiar loft, soaking themselves in hot, sandalwood-scented water and preparing a meal, the old familiarities almost startled Magnus and Alec. But it didn’t take them long to get used to it, like coming home after a long journey. Their home.

They let themselves fall back into the quotidian rhythm and enjoyed what they had been missing. And why shouldn’t they? They had just come back from Edom. The rest of the evening went just like the routine they had used to have on ordinary days as if nothing had happened. Except that Magnus made a drink just for Alec (a deceptively sweet strawberry martini) and not himself.

 “You’re not drinking?”

 “Oh, I quit drinking, you know.”

Magnus shrugged nonchalantly and Alec frowned.

 “Seriously? But wasn’t that…”

 “The circumstances were different, yes. I have my warlock tolerance back.”

The warlock hesitated and let out a little sigh, his longing gaze lingering on the martini bottle.

 “But still… It reminds me of what happened that night. Things I shouldn’t have said. Because after our… breakup, I thought over and over, what if, ‘what if I hadn’t got so drunk out of my mind and said those hurtful things?’”

 “You know it wasn’t the reason for it.”

 “I know, I know. It’s just that… I thought it was. Partially, at least. So it’s hard to shake off that feeling even though I know the truth now. It'll be gone eventually, but it's still there.”

 “Magnus, I’m sorry-“

 “Don’t be. I made you think that I’d choose magic over you. That’s my biggest regret.”

Alec put down the glass on the table and swallowed thickly. He wasn’t sure if he really wanted this conversation, but at the same time he felt they needed it. They hadn't had time to talk about these things yet.

He’d really believed what Magnus needed most was magic. And still, he couldn’t say he had been in the wrong. Magic had been literally a part of Magnus for centuries. Losing it must have been like losing eyesight or limbs. It wasn’t something he could compete with. In fact, such competition wouldn’t have been called for in the first place if not for the extreme circumstances.

So there was no point in getting hurt by it.

But nonetheless, he didn’t want to be reminded that their time together would take up only a tiny fragment in Magnus’ life.

 “But you _were_ unhappy.”

Alec said in a tiny voice. When Magnus didn’t say anything, he decided to press further. He was nervous about where this was going, but somehow he needed to get it off his chest.

 “You said what you were feeling might never go away. I knew you’d been drunk, but the more I thought the more it made sense. I thought… if you were to be immortal again, I wouldn’t be your last love anyway, and I wasn’t worth the pain”

Magnus looked at the shadowhunter at a loss for words. He just wanted to lock him in a body-crushing hug. Barely a month ago, Alec couldn’t even stand the thought of Magnus moving on after his death. And here he was with a face of a man who had come to terms with reality, saying he wasn’t worth the pain. It pained Magnus to think what might have caused this sudden change in the young man.

 “Alexander, you are worth everything.”

Hearing the warm, slightly tremulous voice, Alec looked up; his face mixed with relief and uncertainty. Magnus continued.

 “You may not believe it, but I never regretted my decision to give up my powers.”

 “Even though it was causing such a great pain?”

 “Even though it was causing a great pain because it was still nothing compared to losing you. I can’t say how long it would have taken me to get over it or whether I’d have got over it at all. I can’t deny it was a much bigger blow than I’d imagined and I was indeed miserable."

Magnus took a deep, unsteady breath. It wasn't easy to look back at those times. Thinking that he could have stayed in the darkness for the rest of his life. But what scared him more was that he would have had to endure a life without Alec for eternity if he hadn't come to his senses.

 "Nonetheless, I was trying to be happy. Not just for myself but for you as well. But when we broke up… it shattered everything inside me. There was no point in trying. If I could have traded my magic to have you back, I would have done that. I was this close to surrendering myself to my father and the dark path because at that point, nothing mattered. I even tried to get rid of my memories of you.”

 “What?”

 “I had overcome countless heartbreak but I knew I wouldn’t be able to get over breaking up with you. Thankfully Asmodeus stopped me… although it was for a wrong reason.”

Magnus shook his head and sighed again, trying not to think of his father in limbo.

 “Even I can’t fully understand myself at times. I wish I could just show you my feelings with magic because I don’t think words can fully convey them. I have been in love many times but you’re just… different. I don’t think…”

He stopped abruptly because he wasn’t sure if he should say the next words. In silence, Alec reached for Magnus’ hands and held them. Their rings made a little clanking noise and they both smiled at that.

 “Please, please don’t ever think you’re not the most important part of my life. It was never that way. I love you. More than anyone, anything in the world.”

Alec felt a lump in his throat and tears welling up in his eyes. If Magnus was struggling with words, there was no way he could describe what was going inside his mind right now. Words wasn't enough to show how lucky he felt to be loved so unconditionally by this incredible man. So he just brought the warlock’s hand to his lips and placed a gentle kiss on the fingers, hoping his feelings would show in the trembling breath. And Magnus finally blurted out the words he couldn’t say earlier:

 “I don’t think I can live without you.”

Suddenly, Alec pulled Magnus and locked lips with his. Magnus tensed for a split second at the force before he melted away in the showering kisses he’d once thought he’d never be able to feel again.

 “Magnus, I’m never leaving you.”

Magnus didn’t say Alec, a mortal being, would eventually have to leave him and he would be happy to end his life when the day comes. And Alec didn’t say he was ready to risk everything to stay with Magnus even if it meant giving up his mortality and having to see his family and friends die before him. It wasn’t a topic to be discussed or concluded now. Right now, all they needed was to be as close to each other as possible.

Deepening the kisses, they started tugging each other’s clothes. Magnus could just make them disappear with his regained magic but he didn’t. The tantalizing moments always made their desire grow even stronger and Magnus loved the way Alec almost ripped apart their clothes like a desperate man. He felt his glamour slipping off when the large hands slid into his shirt and brushed his torso. Alec’s breath hitched for a moment when he saw the golden eyes. He cupped the warlock’s face to drink in the beauty.

 “I’m never… leaving you… again.”

Alec repeated the same words between kisses, tracing Magnus’ jawline down to the Adam’s apple and Magnus let go of himself in the shadowhunter’s arms. All his life he had been used to the role of a strong, almost invincible being; a threat to enemies and a protector to loved ones. No one had tried to protect him and Magnus had been fine with it, knowing his own powers. And yet the young man made him feel utterly protected and spoiled. He whispered in his ears fervently.

 “Please don't leave me.”

They clung to each other as if they couldn’t stand to be apart for one second. The nails and lips made marks on each other’s body like petals. Magnus threw his head back when Alec hit the right spot with his mouth open, too struck by the sensation even to make a noise. Alec held the back of his head and pulled it back, not wanting to break eye contact for one moment. Both of their eyes were filled with tears of sheer pleasure and overwhelming love.

The thrust and tremor and moans became less and less controlled until they momentarily froze altogether in climax. Then they finally tumbled over the golden sheet with loud screams. Magnus held Alec’s head close to his chest with shaking arms and Alec listened to the other man’s heartbeat while trying to catch his breath.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus was the one to wake up first the next morning. It was often the case. Sometimes he would wake up in the middle of the night and just stare at Alec’s sleeping face because he felt like their time was running out. His brief experience as a mundane had made him realize how short-lived mortals were. Everything was constantly moving forward for them so quickly and nothing stayed the same even for one second.

Alec looked so peaceful and so unguarded. More like a boy than the strong leader of shadowhunters. The sight made him want to shield him from all the dangers and tragedies in the world with all his might. Magnus smiled thinking probably he would still feel this way even when Alec wasn’t a twenty-something young man anymore.

Magnus stroked the jet black curls falling over Alec’s forehead softly and tenderly, as if one careless touch might make him vanish or break. Then his gaze fell upon the ring on his finger and he felt his heart expanding with happiness followed by millions of different emotions. He realized he had never been loved like this. And that they had no time to waste. He decided in that moment: they were going to get married that night.


End file.
